Of Cows and Canoodling
by flashing lights
Summary: The VTones get stranded in a very small, very isolated town, where they experience the good and the bad of small town living first hand. Mostly the bad. Oh, and Nick kisses a moose.
1. Chapter 1

"Oh, man," Nick said. "I can't believe we finally have a weekend off. Two and a half whole days with Ryan!"

"Two and a half whole days away from you," Richard muttered.

"Now, now, no need to be bitter," CJ scolded.

"Says the man who gets to spend the weekend with his _wife,"_ Richard answered bitterly.

"Hey, she's got exams, it's not like I get to see much of her." CJ shrugged. "Mostly I just get to sleep in my own bed."

"I get to sleep in Chris's," Alejandro said, and grinned. "What? Come on, that needed saying."

Chris looked over at him slyly. "If you're lucky," he said, "it'll be two and a half whole days without actually getting _out_ of bed."

Alejandro ducked his head, blushing.

"I really hate you all," Richard muttered.

"Hey, _you_ dumped _Shawna,"_ Chris said defensively. "It's not our fault."

Richard rolled his eyes and stared out the window. They were in the cramped tour bus they hadn't used since the old days, but since it was a fairly local leg of the tour—all New England—it seemed silly to fly. And it was kind of nice and nostalgic to actually use the old bus.

The landscape outside the window was fairly dull. They were on a highway, but out in the middle of nowhere; it looked more like a cow path. Hills rose up on one side of the bus, covered in trees; the other side was just fields and fields. It wasn't too scenic, just boring.

There was a loud bang, and the bus dipped wildly. Its occupants yelled, startled and shaken, as it skidded off to the side of the road and jerked to a halt.

"No one move," the bus driver said slowly. "I think we lost a tire."

"A whole tire?" Alejandro asked.

"Well…" The bus driver glanced out the window, winced, and nodded. "Yeah, something just rolled by that I'm pretty sure was a tire. I think if anyone upsets the balance of the bus, it might flip."

"Well, this is an interesting way to start off our vacation," CJ noted.

"I think we could go out a window," Chris said. "Would that tip the bus?"

"Well… Yes," Alejandro said. "Pretty much."

"Um… Then how are we going to get out of here?"

* * *

"You know," Chris mused, his thumb sticking out, "I always figured that being a celebrity meant we'd never have to hitchhike."

"You'd think," Nick said. "What I want to know is, where the hell are we that's so remote we don't get any cell phone reception at all?"

"The middle of nowhere," CJ said. "But it's pretty."

"If you say so." Chris wrinkled his nose. "It smells like cows."

"Look at the field to your left, Chris," Alejandro said. Chris did so, and sure enough, a large group of cows was staring at them as they walked by.

"Well, this blows," Richard said. "Instead of getting home, we're hitchhiking."

"And just what fun are you missing out on, Rich? Sitting in your room and staring at the wall?"

"Shut up, CJ," Richard said. "I would be at a club. Getting laid. Which you won't be doing, as your wife has finals."

"Hey, what exactly do you think her preferred form of stress relief is?"

"Wow, I don't want to know," Nick said.

"Then let's make a deal, next time Ryan comes to visit, you two have to make sure you can't be heard down the hall. Let alone halfway across the hotel," CJ snapped. "Honestly, how haven't you two been outed yet?"

Nick shrugged. "Got me, we keep wondering. I think Denton bribes people."

"Look, a sign," Alejandro said, pointing down the road. He squinted. "Freshmeadow: two miles."

"You mean we have to walk for two _miles?"_ Chris demanded.

"Oh, suck it up," Richard snapped, and Chris flipped him off.

"What kind of a town name is _Freshmeadow?"_ CJ asked.

"My guess is a very small, very rural town," Alejandro answered. "Judging by the lack of traffic, people, visible buildings, and the presence of all of the cows."

"Moo," said a nearby cow.

"I don't think I've ever seen a cow this close up before," Chris mused. "Only in zoos."

"What the hell kind of a _zoo_ has _cows?"_

Chris shrugged.

* * *

Freshmeadow, as it turned out, was a rather small, dilapidated farm town. The highway eventually became a sort of main drag, if it could be called that; true, there were buildings on either side, but there weren't actually any lines on the roads. The firehouse they passed looked like an _actual_ house, and Richard was amusing himself by counting the number of trailer parks.

"So this is nice," Nick said, glancing around. "Where's the town?"

"I think this _is_ the town," CJ said.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Uh, no. The word _town_ implies _people._ And cell phone reception." He looked with dismay at his cell phone, which had a steady notice of _no service_, and sighed. If there was a delay in getting home to New York, and more importantly, to Ryan, he wanted to at least call and let Ryan know. He didn't think places without any reception at all still _existed._

"Look," Alejandro said, pointing up the road. "That says it's the Town Hall. We can stop there and figure out what to do."

"What to do is to get out of this place." Richard looked around. "It's creepy. Where is everyone?"

"Moo," said a nearby cow.

"And shouldn't the cows be in some sort of… pen? Do you keep cows in pens?"

"I don't keep cows anywhere," Alejandro answered. "Come on." He led the way away from the cow, which chewed its cud disdainfully, and into the Town Hall.

The Town Hall was also dilapidated and run down. It had probably been painted white at one point, but was now a dingy gray; and the once polished building sign was missing several letters. The inside was as bad as the outside, but at least it was cooler, and there was a person, the first one they'd since leaving the bus driver with the bus.

Behind a counter stood a woman, wearing a khaki uniform and looking bored. A star on her chest proclaimed her to be a Deputy Sheriff. She watched them file in, and raised an eyebrow.

"You folks lost?" she guessed.

They looked at one another, and finally Alejandro nodded. "Yeah, our bus broke down a few miles, um, that way." He gestured vaguely back the way they'd come. "We were hoping someone could help us out."

"Well," she said thoughtfully. "Hank can tow a car on the weekends, that ain't no problem, but it's harder to tow a bus, on account of it being bigger."

"I see," he said.

"But Hank could probably tow it for you anyways, if you got insurance and all."

"We do," Alejandro assured her.

"'Course, Hank's on a fishing trip until Monday, so I think you boys might be stuck."

"A fishing trip?" Chris echoed. "Can't you… call him?"

"Ain't no phones up at the lake."

"Can someone drive to the lake?" Alejandro asked. "We can pay for gas and time spent and all…"

"I guess someone could," she said. "But it wouldn't make a particle of nevermind anyhow; the mechanic's visiting his folks for the weekend, and they're a day's drive away."

"Then what would you do if someone's car broke down?" Richard asked. "Or something like that?"

She shrugged. "Well, basically everything's in walking distance anyway," she said.

"Oh. Naturally." Richard rolled his eyes.

"Is there any way we could get our bus repaired, um, tonight?" Alejandro asked.

"Tonight? You got somewhere to be in a hurry?"

"Well, yes, actually," Chris snapped.

"Chris," Alejandro scolded. "Well… yes, actually, but we don't want to inconvenience anyone."

"I was going to say that," Chris muttered.

"Uh huh," Nick said.

Chris stuck out his tongue, and Richard kicked him.

Alejandro cleared his throat. "Sorry about all this," he said. "We're… not from around here."

"Oh, believe me, I can tell," she said. "You boys look familiar, though. None of you got cousins in the area?"

"No…"

"What about in Fallstown? I know all the folks over there, too."

"Uh, no, I don't think so," Alejandro said.

"No, I'm sure I've seen you boys before…"

"Well, possibly on TV," Richard said. "You guys do have television out here, don't you?"

"What do you think we are, a bunch of redneck hicks?" she answered.

Richard opened his mouth and Alejandro stomped on his foot.

"Actually," Chris said, brightening a little bit, "we _are_ kind of famous. A little bit." He flashed her his best grin. "We're the V-Tones. A band."

"Oh, _right,"_ she agreed. "I think I heard some of your songs at the last town sockhop, fancy that, a group of celebrities right here in little old Freshmeadow."

"Yes. Fancy that," Richard mumbled.

"So, um," Alejandro said. "Do you have any idea what we could do? About our bus? We kind of had plans in the city tonight…"

"Well, not much you can do about that," she said. "But I tell you what, we got a nice cozy little hotel just down the street."

"Really? A hotel in a town this size?" Nick asked.

She nodded. "It used to be a bar, but they fixed it up pretty nice. Now, you go on down there and they'll help you get set up for the night, and I'll see if I can get someone to track down Hank and maybe see about your bus. You just tell 'em Annie sent you from the Town Hall, all right?"

"Uh, yeah. Thank you, ma'am," Alejandro said.

"Oh, call me Annie, sweetheart," she answered, and winked.

He smiled awkwardly and hurried out.

"I think she _liiiikes_ you," Nick purred.

"Shut up," Alejandro said. "Now, a hotel… can't be too hard to find. I mean, I can see the whole town from here. There are some trailers, a school, a bar, a few cows…"

"Moo."

"I still find the cows a little creepy," CJ said.

"And, the hotel," Alejandro said, pointing. "At least, I assume."

The building he pointed to was small, squat, and unkempt. But it had a sign outside it that read _Freshmeadow Tavern,_ with the word _Tavern_ crossed out and replaced by _Hotel._

"Oh, God," Nick said. "That looks horrible. We're not really going to be stuck here, are we?"

"If we are, I'm hitchhiking back to civilization," Richard decided.

"It won't be _that_ bad," CJ answered, elbowing him. "I mean, come on. This place is kind of… quaint. Charming. Provincial. Peaceful."

"Tiny," Chris put in.

"That, too," CJ acknowledged. "It's refreshing."

"It's white trash," Richard said.

"Well, if you're _determined_ not to enjoy it, fine, go hitchhike," CJ snapped. "But don't come crying to me when you get picked up by some pervert with a pop star fetish, who thinks he can make a billion dollars by ransoming you back to us. _I_ wouldn't pay."

Richard groaned, and Alejandro led them into the hotel lobby. It had a shabby green carpet, a very old dog sleeping in the middle, and a very large man with several noticeable tattoos and a smear of black grease that appeared to be hair on top of his head.

"Alejandro, you—"

"Yes, I'll handle it," Alejandro sighed. He approached the man, carefully stepping over the dog in the process. The dog looked up, shifted slightly, let out a sound that was _almost_ a woof, and fell back asleep. "Um, excuse me?"

The man stared at him.

"Do you have any… rooms?"

The man stared at him.

"Hotel rooms? To rent out to people?"

The man stared at him.

"Um… hello? Annie sent us?"

"Oh, why didn't you say?" the man demanded.

"I… didn't think I… Um, okay, yeah. She said you could help us out? We're kind of stranded…"

The man squinted at him. "You ain't from around here," he noted.

"Yeah, no kidding. Do you have any vacancies?"

He looked at them. "You gonna trash my rooms?"

"No, sir," Alejandro said quickly.

"You look like the type to trash rooms."

"Uh, no, sir."

"Well…" he mused. "If Annie sent you, I guess I got a couple rooms I could spare."

"Oh, so it _is_ a hotel," Chris muttered.

"So long as you boys don't mind sharing."

"Sharing?" Richard repeated.

"Well, I got two rooms an' three beds between 'em. That good enough for you," he said derisively, "city boys?"

"Yes, sir, that's fine," Alejandro said quickly, before anyone could answer. He got the distinct impression that, celebrities or not (and he wasn't sure they really _were_ celebrities in this town, since neither of the people they'd met seemed to have any idea who they were) city folks and out of towners weren't exactly welcomed with open arms.

"All right then. I bet you'll want to use a credit card."

"Yes, sir."

"Well, I don't take no cards and I don't take no checks from people I don't know."

"Why would someone you know from around here need a hotel roo—"

"Here," Alejandro said, digging for his wallet. "How much for the rooms?"

The man paused, as if he hadn't actually thought out this part of owning a hotel.

"How much you got?" he asked.

Alejandro sighed. "Here's fifty for each room. That's more than we usually pay, _but_ you're just so kind."

"All right, then."

Chris glanced at Richard. "How much do we usually pay a night?"

"I'll tell you later," Richard said.

"Is there a phone we could use?" Alejandro asked.

"Local calls only," the innkeeper said.

"Of course." Alejandro nodded. "Is there a phone somewhere in town where we can call, um, _out_ of town?"

"Yeah, 'cross the street," the man said. "Pay phone."

"Fabulous. Thank you."

The hotel manager seemed to remember something abruptly, and fished around in a drawer for a moment, then produced two room keys. "I'll bet you boys'll be wanting these, then?"

"Yes, that would be helpful. Where…?"

"'Round back, can't miss 'em."

"Which rooms?" Alejandro asked.

"The only two rooms back there."

"Right. Of course." He sighed and began to herd everyone outside. "I paid, so Chris and I get a room to ourselves."

"Hey!" Richard objected.

"Would you like to go deal with the nice man and ask him if there's a third room available?"

"No," Richard sulked.

"Well, then." Alejandro handed one of the keys to Rich, and pocketed the other one. "I guess I'll go call Denton."

"Thanks, Alejandro," Richard said. "I'm going to go try and find somewhere to get something to eat. I doubt this place has room service."

Chris whimpered. "What kind of a town _is_ this?" he asked.

"I'm going to go poke around and get some of the local flavor," CJ said.

Nick stared at him. "By local flavor, you mean cow, right?"

CJ shrugged. "They're kind of cute."

"They're _creepy._ They just stare at you!"

"Well, think of how bored they must be," CJ answered. "I bet no one ever plays with them."

"CJ, no one plays with cows _ever,"_ Alejandro said firmly

"But—"

"No."

"Fine, then I'll just go find some local _people."_ He pouted.

"And _I'm_ going to go find some place with reception," Nick said, holding up his cell phone.

"Good luck," Richard murmured as he walked away.

"I guess…" Chris shrugged. "I'm going to go lie down and pretend we're not here."

"Very mature," Alejandro said.

Chris raised an eyebrow. "You think the local folks would notice if we—"

"Yes," Alejandro said. "And I bet that in a town this small, word gets around. So no."

"Damn. I'll just _nap,_ then."

"All right." Alejandro reached into his pocket and handed Chris the room key. "I'll be back soon."

Chris turned to let himself into the room, and Alejandro crossed the road.

* * *

CJ wandered the main street, which he'd noticed was creatively named Main Street. He was still impressed by how spacious the town was; it seemed like a lot of land, and no people. Sure, there were definitely local people staring out their windows at him, but he was used to being stared at, and at least no one was screaming. Probably because no one had seen Chris or Richard yet.

He walked lazily up the street, taking in the sight of the buildings, the trees, and the cows, then paused, and regarded a nearby cow.

The cow chewed its cud and stared at him with its big brown eyes.

He looked around apprehensively, but didn't see any of the other guys around. Which meant no one to scold him. So he walked towards the cow slowly, afraid it might bolt (and not really sure if cows could bolt at all) and held out a hand. The cow didn't move, just stared. So he shrugged and scratched behind its ears.

"Moo," the cow said appreciatively.

"Aww, see, I was right. You just wanted someone to play with. You want to fetch?" He paused. "Do cows fetch?"

The cow didn't answer him, but someone else did. "Cows don't chase much of anything, Mister. You're not from around here, huh?"

He spun guiltily. "I wasn't bothering the cow!" he said. "I mean… um… hi."

He was being watched by two small boys. One was dirty blond and the other had brown hair, but both were clad in frayed, faded overalls and had long sticks which vaguely resembled fishing poles slung over their shoulders.

"Whatcha doing with the cow, Mister?"

"Nothing, I just, um, had never seen one so close before," he said.

"Really? Where you from that they ain't got _cows?"_

"Uh, California." He shrugged. "I mean, I'm sure there are cows somewhere in the state, but not near me."

"Wow," one boy said to the other. "That's pretty far away."

"Sure is," the other boy answered lazily.

"Whatcha doing in town then, Mister?" the first one asked.

"My bus broke down," CJ said. "It looks like me and the guys—uh, my friends—might be stranded for the weekend."

"You sure picked a good weekend to come visit," the blond boy said.

"Sure did," his brunet counterpart echoed.

"'Cause tonight's the square dance and tomorrow's the barn raisin'."

"Sure is."

"Lots of fun."

"Sure thing."

"Square dance?" CJ repeated hesitantly. "…Barn raising?"

"Yeah, 'cause the Applegates just moved out into the hills so's they can cultivate some more of their fields, but they ain't got a barn big enough for all the new profits they're gonna be makin'," the blond explained.

"Sure don't," the brunet agreed.

"So my daddy an' everyone else is goin' out to help 'em get a new barn built this weekend. With everyone workin' on it, it won't take too long."

"Wow," CJ said. "That's really… nice."

"Mighty neighborly," the blond said. "My name's Tom, and this here is Luke."

"Nice to meet you," CJ said. "I'm CJ."

"That's a weird name," Tom said.

"Sure is."

CJ shrugged. "I guess…" He trailed off. "So what do you guys do around here for fun? Um, other than build barns. And square dance."

"Well, we don't pet cows, that's for sure."

"For _sure."_

"Bu me and Luke is going out to the fishing hole." He held up the stick, which CJ now assumed was, indeed, a fishing pole. "You wanna come with us? There's always an extra pole or two left around up there."

"Sure," CJ said. "Sounds fun." He pet the cow one last time, then followed Tom and Luke back up onto the road and down the street.

* * *

Richard stared up at the bar. He only knew it was a bar because it had a big sign that said so; otherwise, it resembled every other tumbled down house on the main drag. His stomach rumbled, and he groaned. It was clear there weren't any restaurants in town, probably not any grocery stores, either. (He could only assume that everyone ate what they grew themselves, judging by the number of fields he'd seen.) The bar, he'd decided, was his best bet. It might not have a lot of food, but it would at least have peanuts or crackers or something, which might tide him over until Alejandro found a way to get them out of town.

He walked into the bar and discovered that it was almost blanketed with smoke. He coughed, and as he adjusted to it, the overwhelming scent of cheap beer accosted him. He groaned and squinted, trying to make out where the tables, chairs, people and bar were, so he could avoid walking into any of them.

A neon sign was hanging over the bar, so that part was fairly easy. He picked his way through a surprisingly large crowd, trying to avoid the burly men (and the few people who seemed to be equally burly women) and leaned against the bar. "Excuse me?" he called. "Hey… excuse me?"

Someone tapped his shoulder. "Excuse me," a feminine voice said, "but I think you're on my stool."

He glanced over at her, and suddenly felt a little more sure of himself. She had dirty blond hair pulled into two braids, a faded flannel shirt tied up at the navel with a denim jacket over it, and jeans which were surprisingly—and pleasantly—tight.

"Sorry," he said quickly, and moved over.

"Oh, I don't mind or nothing," she said, taking her seat, "since I figure you're from out of town."

"Is it that obvious?" he asked, wishing she could see him better though the smoke.

"Not a lot of guys around here wear specs," she said, and grinned.

He paused, wondering if she recognized him and that was a reference to his nickname, or if she was just stating a fact. There didn't seem to be a lot of other people with glasses around.

"Richard," he said, holding out a hand.

"I know," she answered. "Bobby Jo."

"Nice to meet you," he said. "So… what's there to eat and drink around here?"

She smirked at him, and slapped a hand down on the bar. "Craig, get us a couple a' beers an' sandwiches! We got a celebrity to take care of."

He let out a deep breath. Things were looking up.

* * *

Nick stared down at his cell phone. Despite the fact that it was state of the art and had about a million extra bells and whistles which he never used, it was, at the moment, lacking in the key area which made it any good at all: reception. He had actually had a bar of reception for a moment, but then it was gone, and he was back to the _no service_ message.

What kind of place had no service? He shook his head in disbelief and gazed down at the phone. It was impossible that there was no service _anywhere;_ he was certain that if he wandered around for awhile, he'd find somewhere. All he needed was just a bar or two, enough to get a quick message to Ryan that he was going to be late. But that Ryan shouldn't do anything drastic like panic, or get dressed.

He glanced up from his phone and discovered he was at the edge of town. Which meant that nowhere in the town had any reception, so he turned his gaze outwards.

The best guess he had was that maybe if he got up higher, to where there were fewer rocks and cows and whatever else was interfering with his reception, he might be able to make a call. He noted that if he just kept walking, he'd eventually come to some hills; true, they were fairly large looking, but they weren't very distant, so he figured it couldn't be _that_ hard to reach the top. And once he was on the top, he could reach Ryan, and then Ryan could send a helicopter or something to get him out of there.

So Nick struck out for the hills.

* * *

Alejandro crossed the street, which seemed to him like an innocent enough move, but in the end, proved to have dire consequences. He could see the pay phone from where he stood, it was at the end of the block; but, not bothering with the cross walk (as there didn't seem to be any cars to speak of, much less to run him over) he stepped out into the street.

And on the other side of the road, a Sheriff looked on disapprovingly.

He crossed the road and stepped back up on to the sidewalk, starting for the payphone, but someone clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"Excuse me, son, but I just got to ask, what do you think you're doing?"

Alejandro swiveled and stared. It was like he was looking at someone in a movie; the Sheriff (he knew it was a Sheriff because of the star shaped badge on his chest) was tall, had chiseled features, and broad shoulders. He could also, Alejandro assumed, snap him in half.

"Um, I was just… um…"

"Were you just making a mockery of our justice system and every value we here hold dear?"

"I… I don't think so," Alejandro said. "I just needed to use the phone…" He pointed down the street.

"Use the phone, sure, you think that just because I grew up in a town like this I'm that gullible? You think us small town folk are stupid?"

"Um, no? _What?_ No! I just—have to call my manager—"

"Manager, right, so is that what you city folk call your drug lords?"

"Our _what!"_

"I was just gonna write you up a ticket, but if you're just headin' off to do drugs—"

"I'm not!"

"Uh huh, now, I don't want to have to search you—"

"Oh, god."

"—but I am gonna have to insist you come with me."

"Go with you? Where?" Alejandro asked, beginning to panic. He quickly glanced around, hoping that one of the others was still in earshot, but didn't see any of them. He jerked out of the Sheriff's grip. "Now, look, I'm not quite sure what you think I did, but I—"

"Resisting arrest, huh?" The Sheriff shook his head. "And now I'm gonna have to cuff you, too. Right here on Main Street. What _is_ this town coming to?"

"You're _arresting me!"_ Alejandro demanded, as the Sheriff reached for the pair of handcuffs on his belt. "For what!"

"Now, son, you have the right to remain silent."

"I'm not your son and I don't know what's going on and I want my lawyer!"

"Well, now, that's your right, we can discuss this down at the station. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

"I don't believe this…" Alejandro muttered, as the Sheriff clapped the cuffs around his wrists and began to march him off, still reciting his rights.

* * *

The fishing hole turned out to be exactly what CJ had pictured at hearing the phrase. A small stream ran through a wooded area, forming a fairly small but somewhat deeper pool in the shade. And, as Tom and Luke had said, there were several extra sticks, already equipped with fishing line and hooks, sitting around.

"Are there actually fish in there?" he asked, as he sat down cross legged and mimicked Tom's movement of dipping the string into the water and then sitting around lazily.

"Well, we ain't never caught one yet, but that don't mean there aren't none."

"Oh, okay." CJ nodded. "So you guys go fishing a lot?"

"Every day during the summer, 'cept when it rains. And when we go swimming instead. Or the days when we work on buildin' the fort up in the woods."

"I like them days," Luke put in. "Sure are nice."

"Someday we're gonna get it finished," Tom said. "An' it'll be great. No girls allowed."

"Makes sense," CJ said, and only felt a little bit guilty when he glanced down at his wedding ring.

"We'd get it done sooner, but I like fishing more," Tom said. "It's more fun than building."

"Or swimming," Luke added.

"'Cept for when it's really hot, then I like swimming more than fishing."

"Or building."

"Where do you guys swim? Is there a pool around?" CJ asked.

"Nope," Luke said.

"Swimming hole," Tom said. "It's further on down there." He pointed down the stream. "It's a lot like this, but bigger."

"Lots bigger," Luke said.

"So why don't you fish there?" CJ asked.

"'Cause it's for swimming."

"Oh. Of course." He nodded. That made sense.

* * *

Chris rolled over in bed. It was too hot to actually nap, and the room didn't have anything useful like an A/C or a fan. He'd kicked off the sheet, and had nervously undressed, feeling a little bit awkward lying around in his underwear in such a… gross… room.

But the one thing the room did have was a clock, and unless he was mistaken, it had been almost two hours since Alejandro had gone to call Denton. And Chris had expected him back _much _sooner than that. Because for all Alejandro said there would be no fooling around… Well, they were on vacation. And if they were going to be stuck in a miserable little town for very much of it, Chris fully intended to at least have _some_ fun.

But no. Two hours, and no Alejandro.

Another half hour passed, and then another.

Three hours. Chris gave up on trying to nap, sat up, and pulled his shirt back on. Alejandro was more responsible than that, if he wasn't back, something terrible must have happened to him. Maybe the local people figured out who he was and had rioted and torn his clothing off… quietly. Or maybe the cows had stampeded and he'd been crushed or something.

There was a loud knock on the door, and Chris let out a deep breath. "One sec!" he called, and looked down at his pants. It was probably just Alejandro, so he didn't bother to pull them on as he hurried to the door, and swung it open.

Outside stood the hotel's owner.

Chris stared at him.

He stared at Chris.

"You got a phone call in the main lobby," the man said. "An' I don't know 'bout you city boys, but 'round here, most folks usually wear pants."

Chris nodded. "I'll be right there," he said, shut the door, and put on his pants.

The hotel owner was still waiting when he walked out, and he thought about trying to explain, then thought better of it. There was really no way to make that situation less awkward, anyway.

Inside the lobby, the first room they'd been in, the manager handed him a phone. The dog shifted to another section of the carpet and fell back asleep. Chris picked up the phone and said hesitantly, "Hello?"

"Chris, honey? It's Alejandro."

"Alejandro! Where have you _been?_ Where are you? I've been worried sick!"

"Aww, that's really sweet," Alejandro said. "So, here's the thing."

"You found a way to get us out of here?"

"Not quite. Um. I seem to have been arrested."

"Uh huh, this really isn't a good time for joking, I have to explain to the nice hotel man why I wasn't wearing any pants and I'd really rather just leave."

"You have to explain… No, on second thought, I don't want to know. Chris, I'm not joking, I've been arrested. I need you to come to the local Sheriff's office with bail money. Not that they've been able to find a judge to give me a bail hearing, but I'd really like to be ready so I can get out of here as quickly as possible."

"Alejandro, be serious."

"Chris, listen to my voice. Do I sound like I'm joking?"

"Well, no, but come _on,_ I'm not that dumb."

Alejandro snorted.

"Hey! Anyway, what could you possibly have been arrested for?"

"Well, that's the kicker. They haven't actually _told_ me yet. They just cuffed me and stuffed me in here, and I'd really like to get _out _of here, so if you could come bail me out, I'd really appreciate it."

"You're not joking, are you?"

"Do I _sound_ like I'm joking? Just get over here."

"Hey, be nice to me, I'm bailing you out."

"Chris, if you don't bail me out, they'll have to up my charge to murder. I've been in jail for three hours. I would like to get out." There was an unintelligible mumbling on the other end of the phone, then Alejandro's voice: "What? No, I wasn't actually going to murder—if I _was,_ would I have said so with you listening? No, I'm not trying to be a smart aleck! I—Chris, hon, I've got to go. Bail money. Quickly. Thank you."

Then dial tone.

Chris stared at the phone in disbelief. "Um, excuse me?" he said to the hotel manager. "Could you tell me where the nearest jail is?"

* * *

"Billy? Billy, come over here!" Bobby Jo waved enthusiastically, and she and Richard were joined by another girl.

Richard, though he was becoming increasingly drunk, did not comment on the fact that the girl was named Billy. He was, however, fairly impressed with Bobby Jo's ability to drink cheap beer and not be at all affected. True, it had taken awhile for it to get to Richard; but now that it had gotten to him, he was feeling rather… woozy.

Perhaps because he never did find anything to eat. The sandwiches Bobby Jo had ordered for them had been basically inedible; he was pretty sure that that particular color of cheese was not found in nature anywhere.

"Bobby Jo, where have you been, we've been waiting over at Sue's house, I… _Oh."_ She saw Richard, and gasped a little, then clamped her hand over her mouth. "Oh, my," she added finally.

"Hi," he said. "I'm Richard."

"Oh, honey, she _knows,"_ Bobby Jo said. "She's one of your biggest fans."

"I've got _all_ your albums," Billy said. "And a big ol' poster of you on my wall. I don't believe this! What are you doing in town?"

"Tour bus broke down," he said. "I could be here for a couple days."

"Oh, _my,"_ she said again. "Bobby, what are you doing getting him all sick like this?"

"It was his idea," Bobby Jo said.

"Actually, I just wanted something to eat…" Richard mumbled. Which was true. He just didn't also want to admit that he'd been drunk under the table by a girl.

Billy glared at Bobby Jo, and wrapped an arm around him. "Well, don't you worry about a thing, sugar. I'll cook you whatever you want."

"He don't want nothing _you_ can cook, Billy," Bobby Jo snapped.

"Says _you,"_ Billy answered, and helped Richard to his feet.

"Hey, no need to fight," Richard said, wrapping an arm around Billy's shoulder and his other arm around Bobby Jo's, as much because he needed help standing as anything else. "Why don't we _all_ go find something to eat and somewhere to… talk."

The three of them swaggered out of the bar together, Richard staggering in the middle.

* * *

Alejandro stared through the bars blankly. He was lying on his side on an old, flat mattress, waiting for something to happen. Either Chris would show up, or someone would tell him this was a joke, or something.

Instead, Annie walked in to the back and stood outside his cell. "Oh, honey," she said. "How'd you wind up in here?"

"That's what _I'd_ like to know," he answered, sitting up. "The Sheriff never actually told me what he was arresting me _for."_

"Well, you know how it is," Annie answered.

"No, I really don't. Did I do something wrong?"

"Well, you must have, if you're in jail." She smiled at him. "Don't worry, I sent my brother around to get the judge sobered up, he should be ready for your bail hearing by morning."

"Morning?" Alejandro repeated. "You mean I have to spend the night here?"

"Well, it looks that way. Ain't very often we get the judge sober on a weekend at all, usually we'd have to hold you 'til Monday, but since you boys are famous and we don't want no one saying bad things about our town, we got the ball rolling for you as quick as possible."

"I appreciate that," Alejandro said. "I really do. But, um, _what the hell was I arrested for!"_

"No need to swear," Annie said. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Alejandro groaned. "I'm sorry. I lost my temper for a moment. But you have to understand, this is the first day off I've had in a month, I had dinner reservations in the city this evening, and I don't think I actually did anything _wrong,_ so I'm a little bit pissed off!"

"Why don't I leave you alone to cool off for awhile then, Alejandro?" she suggested, and turned to leave.

"Annie, wait!" he yelped. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I've just… never been arrested before. I don't know what to _do."_

"Well, you sit there and…" She shrugged. "That's about it, really. So you're doing a pretty good job so far, jailbird."

He groaned. "Could you at least try and find out what I got arrested for?" he pleaded. "Please?"

"Well, I think I could do that." She smiled warmly. "Now you just sit tight and I'll be back in awhile. Don't go anywhere." She laughed. "That's a little bit of prison humor for you."

"Ahahaha. Hilarious. Thank you." Alejandro crossed his arms, and Annie sauntered back out of the jail.

* * *

Even though he was in great shape from touring, Nick was huffing slightly by the time he reached the top of the nearest hill. It had been both larger and steeper than he'd expected. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled out a couple of stray leaves that had gotten stuck.

His stomach grumbled slightly, but he paid it no mind. When Ryan sent a helicopter for him, he'd make sure it had food. Of course, that assumed that he could reach Ryan. He glanced down at his cell phone. It still had the hateful _no service_ message.

"Fine," he muttered. "I'm just not high up enough yet."

He turned around and glanced behind him. The town was still visible beneath him – the cows must have been swallowing up all of the reception.

Nick took a deep breath and started towards the next hill.

* * *

CJ leaned on his back and watched the fireflies flit above him. "We sure don't have any of _those_ in the city," he said drowsily.

"No fireflies?" Tom asked, lying down next to him. "Then what do you catch and keep in jars?"

CJ thought about it for a long minute. "Uh… pickles?"

"Those don't count, those _come_ in jars," Luke said disdainfully.

"'Cept when my Mama makes pickles out of cucumbers from our garden," Tom added.

CJ sat up and looked at the two boys in wonder. "You _make_ pickles here?"

"Sure do."

"I didn't know you could _do_ that! I thought they… grew on trees… already pickled…"

"Pickle trees? Now _that's_ just silly," Luke replied.

Tom sat up. "I guess we'd better get home if we want to wash our faces before the square dance starts."

"Mama always says you gotta wash your face before you go dancin'."

"Well, that's good advice," CJ said. "So, uh, I'll… see you later, then?"

The two boys exchanged glances and then looked back at him.

"Well, uh, you… wanna come with us?" Tom asked.

"Sure do!" CJ said.

"Well, come on then," Tom said, rolling to his feet and picking up his fishing pole. "It's just a short stroll to my house from here."

CJ stood up and followed them back out of the woods. Tom's house was small, with a run-down picket fence surrounding it, but the garden was well-kept. Tom swung the door open. "Mama, we're back!" he yelled.

"Mom's out!" a girl's voice yelled back. "Don't be trackin' up the carpet or you get to clean it!"

Tom grumbled but stomped his feet on the porch, then led the way inside. Luke echoed the motion and so did CJ, then followed him in. Tom made straight for the back of the house, but CJ walked a little bit more slowly, looking around. It was all wood, made up of well fitted planks, but they didn't seem to have been painted. It gave it the feeling of a nice little cottage.

Through one partially open door he saw a couple of young women sitting at a table, and a guy with dark hair between them, who looked a little tipsy. CJ did a double take, immediately assuming that a drunk guy with several girls was probably Richard, but Tom and Luke were waiting impatiently for him at the end of the hall, so he didn't stop to investigate.

"That's just my stupid sister and her friends," Tom explained, and opened the door to a cramped bathroom.

"Okay," CJ agreed, as Tom set about washing his face and hands. Luke went next, after Tom had dried off, and then CJ. He groped for a towel, not sure which one to use, but Tom handed him one. "Thanks," he said. "Much cleaner."

"Sure are," Luke said.

"Um… is this okay to wear to the square dance?" CJ asked, glancing down at himself.

"Well…" Tom examined him. "You look a little gay. Does everyone in the city dress like that?"

"Yeah, pretty much." CJ shrugged.

"It'll have to do," Tom decided.

"Sure will," Luke agreed. "Don't think you'd fit any of my clothes."

"Guess not," CJ said. "Hey… you got any of those homemade pickles?"

"Yep," Tom said. "I'll go get one. The girls are in the kitchen, you don't want to talk to them." He made a face.

"Ught. Girls," Luke agreed.

CJ nodded his agreement, neglecting to mention the fact that he was married. Tom hurried off to the kitchen, and CJ could hear the sounds of a typical sibling fight.

"Oooh, is that your new _boyfriend?"_

"Shut up, monster!"

"You shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"I'll tell Mom you were drinking!"

"Mom was at the bar!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

The kitchen door slammed shut, and Tom reappeared, holding a grimy glass jar, filled with homemade pickles and brine.

* * *

Chris hurried into the police station, where Annie was sitting at a desk, filing her nails. "Why, hello, honey," she greeted him. "I'll bet you're here to see Alejandro."

He nodded anxiously. "Is Alejandro okay?"

"He's just a little bit… out of sorts," she said. "Every time I try to talk to him he just _yells_ at me."

"That doesn't sound like Alejandro…" Chris said. "Can I see him?"

"Well, it isn't regulations," she said. "But I don't see why not. This way." She stood up and led Chris past a large, ominous locked door into the back. There were several barred jail cells, but only one was occupied; Alejandro sat on the bare mattress, looking angry.

"Alejandro!" Chris yelled, running over to the cell and reaching through the bars.

"Chris. Darling. Nice of you to show up."

"I got lost." Chris frowned.

"Where!" Alejandro demanded. "I can pretty much see the entire town when I look out the _window_ of my _jail cell_ and you got _lost!"_

"Don't yell at me!" Chris sulked. "I brought cash. How much is your bail?"

"I don't know yet," Alejandro said, after taking a deep breath. "It seems the judge wasn't at the local tavern, and no one is sure where he is. So no bail hearing yet. Which is just as well, since they still haven't told me why I was arrested!"

"Oh, sugarpie, I checked your rap sheet," Annie put in from behind Chris.

"And?" Alejandro asked.

"Well, it seems that our Sheriff caught you jay walking."

Alejandro stared at her.

"What?" she asked.

_"JAY WALKING? That idiot arrested me for crossing the street outside of a crosswalk!"_

Chris stared at Alejandro in shock.

"Now, it's not nice to call him an idiot, he was only doing his job. Actually, it seems he was only going to ticket you, but he had to take you in on account of your suspicious behavior and resisting arrest."

"How can I have resisted arrest when he wasn't going to arrest me!" Alejandro screamed. "And how is using the phone suspicious!"

"Well, it says you were going to call your drug dealer and he wanted to put a stop to that for your own good."

"Drug dealer? Alejandro?" Chris asked, confused. "I don't think so."

"I was _going," _Alejandro said through clenched teeth, "to call our manager, to get another bus to come pick us up so we wouldn't be stranded in this godforsaken town! And now I'm in jail!"

Annie shrugged. "Well, if it's just a misunderstanding, I'm sure the judge will let you go just as soon as we can find him."

"Have you tried his _house?"_ Alejandro demanded.

"Call the judge at his home on a weekend? Now that's just impolite, he works so hard all week. Let the man have his rest."

Alejandro screamed.

Chris pulled away from the cell, looking a little scared. "Calm down!" he finally yelped. "Alejandro, everything will be fine!"

"Chris," Alejandro said seriously. "I need you to figure out where the judge lives. I need you to get him here. Right. Now. I also need you to call our lawyer. And Denton. And…" He hesitated, then nodded. "Richard's mom."

"Wow, you mean business," Chris said.

"I want to get out of jail!"

"Okay," Chris said, nodding emphatically. "Okay. If they won't get you a judge, I will. No problem. Um, you never called Denton?"

"I was arrested before I could use the phone."

"What about your one phone call?"

"I called _you."_

"Oh," Chris said. "Right. Well, I'll hurry back, okay? Don't worry. It'll be fine!"

He hurried back out towards the front of the police station, and behind him heard Alejandro mutter, "Jay walking? _Seriously?"_

Annie let him out of the locked section and he ran onto the road. For the first time, there were people around; most of them looked like teenagers and pre-teens, all heading in the same direction.

"Hey!" he called, waving his arms and running towards the nearest group, a few girls. "Hey, can you help me? Can you tell me where I can find a judge?"

They stared at him.

"Oh my god!" one of them screamed. "Chris Ivers!"

"Uh…" He stared at them, as they began running towards him. He looked up, and so were several others.

He turned and fled.

* * *

"Jay walking? _Seriously?" _Alejandro asked.

"Well, honey, you know how these small towns are. They like everything to be law and order, and outsiders…" She shrugged.

"Outsiders?" he repeated. "So I got arrested because I'm from out of town?"

"Well, I guess the Sheriff figured you were probably more likely to be on drugs. I mean…"

Alejandro stared at her.

She trailed off guiltily.

"So I got arrested for being Hispanic," he said. "Well, fuck you, too."

"Hey, now," she snapped. "I didn't have anything to do with it! I'm doing everything I can to get you out of here, Alejandro."

"Great, thanks," he muttered.

Somewhere outside, there was a sudden high pitched scream. Annie looked startled, but Alejandro just groaned. He was more than familiar with the sound: it was what many girls sounded like, once they caught sight of Chris Ivers.

"I do hope he's still good at sprinting," Alejandro said to himself.

Annie raised an eyebrow. "Should I go rescue your friend?" she asked.

"Good luck."

* * *

Ryan paced the floor of the hotel room in New York anxiously. It wasn't like Nick to be late meeting him. They had so little time together that Nick never wasted a second of it. And it was even _less_ like Nick to be seven hours late, and to not call or anything.

He stared at his phone, which he'd left sitting on a table. It didn't ring. He let out a strangled yell and threw himself down on the bed. Where the hell was Nick!

He had tried calling Nick, about eighteen times, and only got voicemail. He'd then called everyone else in the band, and only got voicemail. _No one_ was answering their phones, so either something really weird and bad had happened, or Nick was very mad at him and they were all screening their calls.

But Nick had called him just that morning to tell him how much he loved him, and tease him with a description of a particularly skimpy piece of underwear… There was no way he'd gotten _this_ angry since then.

Which meant something weird and bad had happened.

Ryan sat up, grabbed his phone, and dialed 9-1-1.

"This is 9-1-1 emergencies, how can I help you?" a very calm sounding woman asked.

"I think my boyfriend has been kidnapped," Ryan answered. "I can't get a hold of him anywhere. I've called him a bunch of times and he's not answering! And none of the people he's with were answering! Oh god, what if they're all dead!"

"Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down. When was the last time you spoke to your boyfriend?"

"Um, around eleven this morning. He was _supposed_ to get into the city by two and be at the hotel by three, but he wasn't! And now it's after dark! It's almost nine!"

"Sir—"

"He hasn't called me! He's never not called me. He must be dead or injured or… Oh my god, kidnapped! Someone kidnapped Nick! Oh, I hope they don't beat him, my poor baby…"

"Sir, please don't panic. If it hasn't been twenty-four hours, the police can't start a search and there's no need to worry yet. I'm sure your friend is stranded at an airport, or—"

"He can't get stranded!" Ryan yelled. "We're talking about the V-Tones, for Christ's sake! How can a pop band get stranded at an airport and why wouldn't he have called me!"

"Sir, I'm going to need you to stop yelling and take a deep breath."

"There isn't _time_ to _breathe,_ Nick could be dead and you're _not helping me!_ You don't understand, they're famous, people would kidnap them and hold them for ransom and my god, what if they cut off his finger or something! Do you hear that! Someone could be cutting off his fingers!"

"Look, sir, I'm afraid that if you friends haven't been gone for a full day, there isn't much I can do for you. I suggest you call the airport or hotel where they were last seen and check to see if there are any messages, or—"

"You are no help at all!" Ryan yelled. "Fine, I'll find him myself!"

He slammed the phone down and contemplated. How did one go about finding a group of lost pop stars whose limbs might be severed at any moment?


	2. Chapter 2

Nick's stomach was really starting to hurt now. He stopped and dropped on to the pine needle covered ground, clutching his stomach. He'd been walking for hours, and still no sign of reception. Certainly no sign of food.

"Ryaaaaaaan," he cried, half ready to give in and start back towards the town. Maybe by now (according to his phone, it was almost eleven; it was certainly well after dark) Alejandro would have figured out a way out of the town. But then, maybe he'd figured it out and already _left._

But they wouldn't leave without him, right? He groaned again and stared up at the trees and bushes above him. He really hoped someone was looking for him, because now that it was dark and he'd walked god only knew how far, he really wasn't quite sure how to get back to town. He wasn't even entirely sure which direction he'd been walking. Everything was so _creepy_ after dark…

The moonlight broke through the trees and illuminated a nearby bush. He sat up and stared at it.

The bush had little red berries growing on it. Berries!

Eating might give him some of his resolve back, he decided. He'd come so far, _surely_ there had to be reception somewhere. He'd just have a little snack (what could be better than fresh wild berries?) and be on his way.

So Nick forced himself to his feet, picked a handful of berries, and ate them greedily. They were good, nice and juicy, though he didn't recognize the flavor. He figured they were blackberries or something, he never was sure which kind of wild berry was which.

* * *

Richard had regained his sense of balance, but not really his common sense. That always seemed to be the first to go and the last to come back. But at least he was enjoying himself: he and Bobby Jo were kissing, while Billy had her arms around his waist and was licking his neck.

Maybe this town wasn't so bad.

He turned around and pulled Billy into a kiss. Bobby Jo sulked a little bit, but began unbuttoning his shirt. He didn't object to that, either, and was happy to begin returning the favor.

Except the door to the house banged open loudly and both girls pulled away. Richard blinked blearily, suddenly cold, his shirt hanging open. "Whazzah?" he asked.

"My brother!" Bobby Jo hissed.

Richard was confused. "Your brother was here before," he said. "He was this big." He held his hand about three feet off the floor.

"Not that brother," Bobby Jo said. "My _big_ brother."

"Oh." That sounded ominous.

"Could be worse," Billy said. "At least it's not _my_ brothers."

Richard groaned a little bit.

"Bobby Jo?" the brother called. "I seen the light on, I know you're home!"

"In the kitchen!" she called, and shoved Richard. "Hide, quick!"

"Where?" he asked, looking around desperately.

"Under the table!"

He stared at her, but she didn't seem to be joking. The table was small and square, and difficult to hide under because it lacked the useful cover of a tablecloth. But, unless he wanted to hide in the refrigerator, it seemed like the only place to get any cover at all.

So Richard ducked under the coffee table, tucked his legs under him, and waited. The kitchen door swung open.

"There's strangers in town," he said. "City boys. You better be careful, girl."

"I'm _being_ careful," she answered. "I didn't even go out, look. I'm right here."

"Sure are," he said suspiciously. "Billy, your brothers are looking for you. They said they're worried you went off with one of them boys again."

"Well I didn't, I'm right here," she answered.

"So you are," he said. "So I guess they got nothing to worry about. You know how your brothers get when any boy lays a hand on you."

Richard swallowed hard.

"No one's laid a hand on me," she said. "I been _here_ all night!"

"I can see that," he said. "But I still got one question."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Who's that under the table?"

* * *

A very buxom woman named Tess grabbed both of CJ's hands and pulled him in a roughly square shaped pattern. He'd never been square dancing before, but he was fairly good at picking up on how it was done; after all, he'd spent the last few years of his life dancing, and this was relatively simple.

"Now you're getting the hang of it!" she said encouragingly.

"I think so!" he answered, wondering if maybe after he finished learning, she'd let him lead for awhile.

"So the boys say you're from California!" she said enthusiastically. "That's a whole country away!"

"Yeah!" he answered. "I live in New York now, though. The city, I mean."

"Well, I just about figured!" she answered. "You're not bad for a city guy, though." She twirled him around and he was able to get a glimpse of Tom and Luke.

They had both been dragged on to the dance floor by aggressive seeming little girls, and despite the disgusted faces they were making, neither one seemed either unhappy or surprised. No wonder they were trying to build a fort where no girls would be allowed.

"You married, CJ?" she asked, and he stopped dancing abruptly.

"Yeah," he said. "I am… I was supposed to take my wife out for dinner, but the bus broke down. I've been so busy I haven't called or anything…" He remembered the lack of cell phone reception and added, "Is there a phone I can use somewhere?"

"Sure!" she said. "Tom! Luke!"

The two boys were more than happy to pull away from their dance partners. "Ught, girls," Tom said.

One of the girls blew him a kiss and he made a face.

"Boys, you take your friend to the school phone and let him call whoever he needs to," she said, and winked at CJ. "I run the school myself pretty much, so don't worry about it. Just dial one before anything long distance, and there you go."

"Oh, thank you so much," he said. "I'll be back soon!"

"You'd better! You ain't learned the rest of the steps yet!"

He followed Tom and Luke back outside. The dance was being held in a small gymnasium, which was right next to a larger building which he assumed to be the school. "So, were those girls your dates?" he asked.

"I don't date no girls," Tom said.

"Me neither," Luke added.

"They just make us dance with 'em," Tom explained. "I'm glad to get away, though. 'Cause last time we danced, Sarah _kissed_ me right on the cheek in front of _everyone."_

"That's awful," CJ agreed, as they entered the school. He was a little bit surprised it hadn't been locked, but then again, he doubted anyone was likely to break into it. The boys took him into a small administrative office, and there was a phone sitting on one of the desks.

He dialed the number for his and Alison's apartment apprehensively, feeling guilty that he hadn't called before. It rang several times, and he counted five, then the answering machine picked up.

"Alison?" he asked. "It's me, CJ. I'm sorry I'm not home, our bus broke down. I'm in this awesome small town, but I don't know where it is. It's called Freshmeadow. Anyway, Alejandro's working on finding a way to get us out of here, so I don't know when I'll be back, but I'll call again as soon as I've got some information.

"I'm really really sorry about missing our dinner and I miss you. I hope you're having a nice night, I'll see you soon. Okay? I love you. See you soon. Bye."

"Love?" Tom repeated, as he hung up. "Ewww. That's girl stuff."

"Yeah, I guess," CJ said. "But some girls aren't so bad."

"Ewww," Tom said again.

* * *

Richard stared up the leg of a very large, very angry man.

"Um, hello?" he said. "I was just… tying up Billy Jo's boot."

"That's Bobby Jo," she said.

"Yeah, Bobby Jo," he repeated.

"Uh huh." The brother crossed his arms, and Richard scrambled to his feet.

"Really! I'm from out of town, see—"

"Yeah, I can tell," the brother interrupted. "And we don't take kindly to out of town boys trying to canoodle with our sisters around here."

"Canoodle?" Richard repeated, then, "I wasn't! I was just tying her shoe! Uh…" He backed away from the brother as quickly as he could, wishing he could get closer to the door. But the only way out the door was through the brother. And he doubted that was going to happen.

"Frank!" Bobby Jo yelled angrily. "You're scaring him!"

"Good. That ain't half of how scared he's gonna be when Bob and Joe and Rick get to him."

"Bob and Joe and Rick?" Richard repeated weakly.

"My brothers," Billy said. "They get kinda defensive whenever I go out with a boy."

"Defensive how?" Richard asked. "Defensive, like, I should be running away defensive?"

"Might be a good idea," she said.

"But they're right outside," Frank said ominously, and reached forward. He grabbed Richard by the collar of his still unbuttoned shirt. "Come on. City boy."

* * *

Richard groaned weakly.

Nick stared up at the moon, and the moon stared down at Nick. He didn't recall the moon ever having large, saucer shaped eyes and a disapproving frown before, but he'd also never seen it so clearly, what with the light pollution in the city and all.

Nearby, some large variety of predator howled at the moon. He resisted the urge to howl with it.

* * *

Dawn broke through the jail cell window, and Alejandro was awake to see it. He'd tossed and turned all night on the rock hard mattress, hardly able to believe that he was actually spending an entire night in jail. He was also a little worried about Chris, whom he hadn't seen or heard from since the screaming started the previous night. And no judge had turned up, so he could only assume that he'd put too much faith in Chris's abilities, or that Chris had been torn limb from limb by a group of overenthusiastic, ravenous teenage girls.

Or both.

"So, Annie!" he called loudly. "What does a guy have to do to get some breakfast and a book to read around here!"

Annie walked in, looking irritatingly wide awake and cheerful for so early in the morning. "Well, sugar, I can bring you breakfast in just a couple of minutes," she promised. "As for that book, though, I don't think that's allowed."

"Why not, dare I ask?" he demanded.

"Well, the whole point of jail is to sit there and think about what you done," she said. "Not to relax and catch up on your reading."

Alejandro cleared his throat. "I crossed the road," he said. "That was the extent of my wrongdoing. Now, for the love of god, would you please get me something to eat and something to read, and I'll consider _maybe_ not suing the county for racism and wrongful arrest when I _do_ get out of here?"

"Well, if you're going to be grumpy about it, I don't see why I should," she answered.

"Did you miss the part about the lawsuit for racism and wrongful arrest?"

_"Fine,"_ she said, exasperated. "I know you're frustrated, but you city boys have the _worst_ manners." She stalked back out to the front of the Sheriff's office.

He rolled his eyes.

"Oh, look here, you got a visitor!" she called from out front, and opened the jail door.

Chris stumbled in, eyes wide and looking very disheveled. His glasses were bent, his hair was knotted and messy, and his clothing was torn to pieces. He had on what looked like the remainder of his undershirt and a tattered scrap of cloth that had once been pants, and only one sock.

"I take it you met your fans?" Alejandro asked him.

Chris nodded weakly. "Can I come in there with you?" he asked. "I think it might be safer."

"Aww, baby," Alejandro said, his mood improving now that he knew he wasn't the only one who'd been miserable all night. And Chris did look pretty cute, all fragile and torn up. "Where did you spend the night?"

"In a tree," he said. "I hid in it to get away from them, and could see all the girls surround the hotel so I couldn't go back_ there._ And I thought one of them might spot me if I got down. And I was afraid there might be wolves or something out at night. I could hear them."

"Wolves?" Alejandro repeated.

"Only up in the hills," Annie said, coming in with two steaming styrafoam coffee cups. She handed one to Chris and slipped one between the bars to give to Alejandro. "They don't come into town no more, on account of us shooting them when they do. They eat cows when they can get away with it. We don't like that."

"I see," Alejandro sighed. "So, Chris… I take it no word on a judge?"

"I was scared to climb down from the tree," he said.

"And no call to Denton or Mrs. Alcott?"

"Tree," Chris said again.

"Okay. So… we're still stranded, no one knows where we are, and I'm in jail. Have you seen Nick or Rich or CJ?"

"Not since we split up yesterday," Chris said. "I think Richard might have limped back to the hotel, but it was hard to tell from in the tree."

"And CJ and Nick?"

"No clue," Chris said miserably.

Alejandro took a deep breath, inhaling the steam from his coffee. He tried to take stock of the situation again, but it still hadn't changed. He was _still_ in jail indefinitely, Chris was still useless at getting them out (though he didn't mean that maliciously, especially not when Chris looked so miserable as he sat outside the cell and drank his coffee). Richard, if he'd made it back to the hotel at all, had been limping. And he had no idea where CJ or Nick were, and no way to find out.

And no one knew where they were. He just hoped someone realized they were missing.

* * *

"Denton! Thank god! Oh my god!"

"Who is this?" Denton asked groggily.

"Ryan. Have you seen Nick!"

"What?" Denton asked, glancing at a clock. It was six in the morning. "Ryan, do you know what time it is?"

"It's been twenty hours since I last heard my darling's voice," he said. "_They disappeared."_

"Call me back during business hours, okay? I—"

"Mr. Denton, the V-Tones were kidnapped!"

Denton sat up. "What are you talking about? This is their weekend off, I'm surprised Nick's not with you."

"He's supposed to be with me, but he never showed up! None of them did! Don't you know where they are! Please say you know where they are…"

"I have no idea," Denton mumbled.

"Oh my god, they're dead, aren't they?"

"I doubt they're dead, I'm sure they're fine," Denton said. "I'll call around and see what happened. I'm sure they just missed a flight or—"

"Mr. Denton, don't you think Nicky would _call_ me if he missed his flight!"

"Well… yes, probably, but he could have forgotten… or… I'll look into it," Denton said.

"And none of them are answering their phones! I've tried them all! I've tried them all _all night_ and none of them answered even once. I think they're dead. Oh, Nicky, you were so young… And beautiful…"

Denton could feel the migraine starting at the back of his skull. "I'll look into it," he said again.

* * *

Nick woke up, cold and frightened and sick. The very first thing he did was crawl over to a tree and hurl. Whatever was in his stomach, he wanted it to be out very badly.

He thought back on the previous night, but didn't remember any of it clearly. He had vague memories of Ryan, though. Ryan had been there!

He looked around, but he was alone. He frowned and thought harder.

Ryan had definitely been there, but he'd been… different. Fuzzier than normal. And he'd had antlers, and had run away on all fours when Nick had tried to kiss him.

Oh.

Or maybe that had been a moose.

Nick frowned.

* * *

Richard's head was pounding when he woke. Either that, or someone was pounding on the door. Or both.

Definitely, he decided after a minute, both.

He sat up and looked at himself in the mirror. Half of his face was black and blue. He winced at the memory and limped towards the bathroom to shower, and figure out where _else_ he might be bruised. Because he'd definitely been kicked pretty hard in a few delicate areas. And he was pretty sure his ankle was sprained, but that could have been from the running he'd been doing to try and get away from the angry older brothers who had been beating him up.

Of course, getting in had been a challenge. The ring of screaming girls had protected him from the brothers who were chasing him, but they had made it rather tough to get to the door, and he hoped he hadn't injured anyone when he slammed it shut. He was half afraid someone would break it down, but they hadn't; though now, with dawn having broken, he was afraid whoever was pounding on it might.

He turned on the shower and let it run, hoping (though not very much) that it would heat up if he gave it a few minutes. He limped back to the main room and glanced out the window. The girls were gone, but the brothers remained, and one of them was pounding on his door.

"Open up!" he yelled, seeing Richard at the window.

"Uh, no!" Richard called back. "Sorry! Busy! Gotta shower! Bye!"

He ran into the shower, locked the bathroom door, and hoped they wouldn't drag him out of the shower if they broke in. They'd done enough damage already, and he didn't really need humiliation on top of that. An image of being dragged naked through the main street kept trying to force its way into his mind, and he kept trying his hardest to ignore it.

The hot—well, lukewarm—water helped clear his head and ease his bruises a little. But when he finished showering, he couldn't really think of a way to avoid going back into the main room. And he didn't have a fresh change of clothes, either.

He was growing to hate this town more and more. Groaning, he dressed quickly in his dirty, slightly torn clothes from the previous day, and was relieved to see that no one had broken into his room. The brother resumed pounding on the door, however.

"Go away!" Richard called. "I said I was sorry!"

"We know!" the brother yelled back. "Billy and Bobby Jo just wanted us to apologize!"

He hesitated. On the one hand, that was great; he'd love to not get beaten up any more. But then again, it could be a clever ploy to lure him out in the open.

But that assumed these guys were capable of clever ploys, a fact of which he was not convinced. Still, better safe than sorry.

"Apology accepted!" he called. "Now go away!"

"Aww, come on," another brother yelled in. "We're real sorry, we didn't understand. At least let us take you out to breakfast."

He hesitated, his stomach grumbling. Breakfast _did_ sound awfully tempting…

* * *

CJ woke up in a sleeping bag on Luke's floor. They'd gone back to Tom's house first, but it was full of angry young men, and they'd glared at him like he'd done something wrong. So it was Luke's house instead, where he and Tom were both camped out on the floor.

"Sleep okay?" Luke asked from his bed.

"Sure did!" CJ answered. "What's for breakfast? What's on the plan for today?"

"Breakfast is hashbrowns and eggs," Tom said. "And today's a fishing day."

"We went fishing yesterday," Luke pointed out.

"Hmm." Tom considered. "Don't feel like swimming, though."

"What about the fort?" CJ asked.

"We could work on the fort," Luke agreed.

"Well… Okay. But," he turned to CJ seriously, "you have to promise not to tell no one where it is, 'cause otherwise, how'll we keep out the girls and the grown ups?"

"Promise," CJ agreed. "Cross my heart."

"Okay, let's get going!" Tom decreed. "We can wake up Luke's mom to cook breakfast, she won't mind."

"Are you sure about that?" CJ asked.

"Positive," Tom said.

"Sure," Luke agreed, then bellowed, _"Mom!"_

* * *

Chris was still sitting on the bench, now finished with breakfast. He thought about trying to head out and see the town, or find the others, but then thought that might be dangerous. After all, he was barely even clothed. And besides, at least sitting back here, he was safe from the girls _and_ he had Alejandro to talk to.

Not that Alejandro was in much of a mood to talk. He mostly glared around the jail and occasionally yelled angrily that he wanted a book, a newspaper, a lawyer, or his mother.

"Well, _I'm_ here for you," Chris finally said, sulking a little.

"And I really appreciate that. Despite the fact that I'm locked in jail, and you neither got a judge nor called Denton, I really do."

"Well if you're just going to be mean…" Chris muttered.

"No, baby, I'm sorry," Alejandro sighed. "I'm just going… a little stir crazy. I've been here for hours. I spent the night in _jail._ I have a criminal record!"

"I spent the night in a _tree,_ so I'll trade you," Chris said.

"Aw, honey."

Someone cleared his throat, and they both looked up to see the Sheriff standing in the doorway, looking disapproving.

"You always call boys honey, son?" he asked Alejandro.

"Yes, and I'm not your son."

"That's clear," the Sheriff agreed.

Alejandro narrowed his eyes a little.

"You two boys ain't…" the Sheriff leered a little at them.

"No, sir," Chris said quickly.

Alejandro rolled his eyes. "No," he said. "Why?"

"'Cause you look like you might be."

"Yes, well, you also thought I looked like a druggie and I'm not, so I don't really think you're the best judge of what I am and am not."

Chris looked a little surprised, particularly because Alejandro _was_ gay. But he didn't say anything.

The Sheriff frowned. "Annie says you're real sorry about jay walking."

"I am," Alejandro said. "Very sorry."

"Be that as it may, I still can't just let you go. You resisted arrest, you know."

Alejandro sank back against the wall, looking both angry and depressed. "I really didn't. And I'm pretty sure you arrested me without grounds. And I'm pretty sure _that's_ illegal and I can have them take away your badge!"

"Them who?" the Sheriff asked reasonably.

"Them… um… the generic them!"

"Don't think fancy works confuse me," the Sheriff said. "I ain't stupid. I _was_ gonna let you out of here, but I think maybe you'd better cool off awhile." He glanced at Chris. "You sure you two ain't homos?"

"Pretty sure, yeah," Chris answered.

"Hmph." The Sheriff stalked out.

"Great," Alejandro muttered, after the Sheriff slammed the door shut. "Now I'm Hispanic _and_ homosexual."

"You were both of those things before," Chris pointed out.

Alejandro glared at him, so he didn't say anything else.

"Do you think they lynch people in this town?" Alejandro finally asked. "Because I'm worried that if they can't find the judge, they'll just lynch me."

"Oh, god," Chris said. "You really think…"

"No," Alejandro said. "I just really want to get _out of here!"_

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have accused the Sheriff of being racist," Chris said.

"Maybe he shouldn't have arrested me with no grounds," Alejandro answered huffily.

"Jail is really making you _hardened,"_ Chris said. "And there isn't even anyone else in jail to be beating you up or… anything…"

"Chris, you do realize that if _I'm_ in jail indefinitely, you're not having sex indefinitely?"

Chris stared at him in horror. "I'll go look for the judge again," he decided, standing up.

"Bring me back a newspaper?" Alejandro called after him.

Chris nodded. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Watch out for the packs of fangirls," Alejandro said.

"I can outrun 'em," Chris promised. "Don't worry, Alejandro. I won't let you rot in there."

"I appreciate that." Alejandro batted his eyelashes. "If you can't find the judge and I'm stuck in here, will you wait for me, baby?"

Chris laughed. "Yeah, sure. How long are we talking waiting for? Because I'm very impatient."

"Then go find the judge."

"On it." Chris blew him a kiss and knocked on the door to be let out. He was now very, very determined.

* * *

Nick wandered around, now hopelessly lost, vaguely terrified, and worried he was starting to go crazy. But that was only because he kept talking to himself, and to Ryan, though he knew full well Ryan wasn't there to answer.

"Stupid moose," he muttered, staring down at the _no service_ display. "Getting my hopes up, just stupid berries anyway, they didn't even taste good. Ryan, no moose could love me like you do… You will come get me, right, baby? Right?"

He knew there was no chance of hearing Ryan answer him, and yet he hoped desperately for an answer to the question. That was probably a bad sign.

And then, miracle of miracles, it happened. He was staring down at the display on his cell phone, when it changed. The _no service_ sign, which had been the bane of his existence, flickered out of sight. And in the corner was one tiny, lonely bar.

"Reception!" he yelled, and began to do a high-kneed dance in a circle. "Reception! I found it! Oh yeah! I found it!" He stopped dancing and checked his phone to make sure it hadn't been a trick of the light, and now there were _two_ reception bars.

"Ryan, baby, I'm coming home," he said to nothing in particular, and began to hit the speed dial for Ryan's phone.

A chittering down by his feet distracted him. A squirrel was standing by his ankles, looking up curiously.

"Aww," he said, looking down at it. "You're kind of adorable. Not like that stupid moose. Which was cute when I thought it was Ryan, but now I just kind of hate it. Oh, god, I'm talking to a squirrel."

He peered down. "Don't worry, whatever that moose told you, I won't try to kiss you. I'm not high anymore. I don't think. Though I am talking to you… But I know I'm talking to you, so that's a good sign, not a bad sign, right?"

He crouched down to inspect the squirrel, Ryan's number ready to go in his phone. The squirrel made a noise that was something like a purr.

"You _are_ cute," he said, and slowly reached out with his empty hand, wondering if it was possible to pet a squirrel.

The squirrel regarded his hand for a long moment, then jumped over it, up on to his shoulder, ran down his other arm, grabbed his cell phone, and ran off into the underbrush.

Nick stared at his empty hand for a long moment, then stared at the place where the squirrel had disappeared.

"You… bastard… squirrel!" he yelled, sinking to the ground. "I thought you were cute, goddamnit! I called you cute! Traitor!"

Then he realized he was yelling at a squirrel who wasn't even there anymore, he'd tried to make out with a moose, he hadn't eaten anything except hallucinogenic berries in a day and a half, he had no idea where he was, where the town was, or where the guys were, and now his last hope of contacting civilization was gone.

Nick curled up into a ball and cried.

* * *

Now that they were no longer trying to kill him, Frank, Joe, Bob and Rick were surprisingly pleasant to hang out with. They helped Richard fend off screaming fangirls, got him a great breakfast, and were showing him around town.

"You know, this place isn't half bad," Richard mused, as they watched a small brook burble its way under a foot bridge. "It's kind of nice."

"Glad you like it," Joe said. "We lived here all our lives."

"Yeah? Do you ever travel or anything?"

"Why would we want to do that? We got everything we need right here," Bob said.

"I guess so. Wow, cool. It must be kind of neat to live in such a little town."

"Glad you like it," Rick repeated. "Since you'll be staying and all."

"What?" Richard asked. "Just for another day, at most."

The brothers exchanged a look, but didn't say anything.

"So…" Frank finally said. "You met our sisters last night, Bobby Jo and Billy."

"Yeah, they were… really nice," Richard said, almost regretfully.

"They said the same thing about you," Rick agreed. "Billy thought you were the cat's pajamas."

"Well, I don't really know what that means, but thanks."

The brothers laughed, and Richard half-smiled. They weren't such bad guys.

"You really aren't such bad guys," Richard said. "When you're not trying to kill me."

"Aw, go on," Frank said, and punched Richard's shoulder playfully. Richard only winced a little.

"We're real sorry about last night," Joe added. "But Billy came and explained it all to us. We didn't realize."

"Realize… what?" Richard asked.

"Well, shucks," Rick said. "We'd never have punched you if we knew you was gonna be our new brother-in-law."

* * *

As the sun moved across the sky, CJ found that he was ravenous, thirsty, and sweating buckets. Even though the fort was out in the woods, and thus in the shade, he'd been working hard.

But the fort was looking great. The two kids had managed to get a sort of framework done on their own; there were some gaps in it which were above their heads, and there were no branches close enough to work, but CJ was tall enough to nail a few beans into place against the old trees at the fort's corners. After that, they'd spent all morning nailing old planks in place as the walls, leaving an open spot for the door, and CJ was the only one with arms long enough to sit on the relatively stable side of the fort and reach across to the middle to nail down the roof.

But in early afternoon, they were done.

The three stood back and admired their handiwork with awe. "I never thought we'd really get it done," Tom said. "You sure are tall, CJ."

"I do what I can," CJ answered.

"I got some red paint at home," Luke said. "So we can put up the no girls allowed sign."

"Or grown ups," Tom said.

"Hey," CJ said.

"'Cept you, you're not a grown up. You're just a big… kid."

"That's what my wife says," CJ agreed. "Is there any lunch around town anywhere?"

"Sure!" Luke said. "My mom can make us some grilled cheese _and_ we can get the paint."

"Cool," CJ decided, and they headed back towards town. He wondered where Alejandro was, and if he should check in and check the status of getting out of town, but didn't really want to. After all, since Alison was busy, this didn't seem like such a bad way to spend a weekend.

"Moo," said a nearby cow.

"Oh, hush up, Bessie," Tom said impatiently, but CJ stopped to look at the cow. The cow looked back at CJ.

"Her name is Bessie?" CJ asked.

"Yeah, she's my gramma's cow," Tom said. "She just wanders around, Gramma won't kill her for meat, says she's too old so it wouldn't be good."

"Well, good," CJ said, and reached forward to pet Bessie. "She's sweet."

"You sure are weird, CJ," Tom said.

"Sure are," Luke agreed.

CJ shrugged and gave the cow a final pat. "Well, let's go get lunch," he said, inwardly debating the values of vegetarianism.

* * *

Chris took a deep breath and stepped on to the street. He was going to have to face the outside world sooner or later, tattered clothes or no. And he was going to need someone to help him, since Annie had refused. But getting help meant talking to people, and people meant the very high probability of a repeat of the previous night.

But if it was either risk that or no sex…

He grimaced and looked around. There were a few more people out today than there had been when they entered town, and sure enough a whole group of them came rushing over as soon as he stepped outside.

They'd been waiting for him. Fabulous.

"Oh my god!" one of the girls screamed. "Chris!"

He winced, then decided to hold his ground. These were local people, after all. And so they probably knew everyone in town. Including the judge.

"Hey!" he called back, and held up his hands, backing away. "Look. Girls. Um…" They stared at him hungrily. "I tell you what. I'd be happy to sign anything you want me to, or to talk and hang out for awhile or whatever, _but_ I need help first. Okay? Okay." He didn't want for a response, just kept on talking. "What I need is to find a judge. I've got a problem I need a judge to solve. The local judge. Do any of you know where he lives?"

He took the screams as vaguely affirmative, and, wincing and telling himself to be strong, let the throng of girls pull him off.

* * *

"Brother-in-law?" Richard repeated.

"Of course," Rick said. "I mean, you wouldn't be trying to canoodle with our darling sister if you _wasn't_ going to marry her… would you?"

Richard was faced with a very vital, important choice. He could either admit that yes, he was a canoodler out of wedlock, and face the wrath of Billy's three brothers (and, presumably, Bobby Jo's brother for the heck of it); or he could agree to marry Billy.

He hesitated.

_"Would_ you?" Frank asked sharply.

"Of course! Not! Of course not! Ahahaha… Um…" He swallowed. "Of course, I do believe in a long, um, courtship. And my work is out of town and all, but, um—"

"Don't talk crazy," Joe said. "You're gonna have to stay around here if you marry Billy, she's not a city girl and what's the use of being married if her husband's always away? We can teach you how to farm, you'll get the hang of it pretty quick."

"Farm?" Richard repeated weakly. He was fairly sure he was entering a state of shock, and was worried he might black out at any moment. And there was a familiar, unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Oh, god."

"'Course we'll build you two a nice house," Bob said. "Right next to our parents."

"Lovely." Yes, definitely something in his stomach.

"And I know Billy just can't wait to have kids, I bet we'll be expecting a niece or nephew by winter," he continued. "But with you, I bet a nephew, right? Family name? Huh?" He elbowed Richard and leered.

"Excuse me," Richard said. "I think I need to throw up."

"Throw up?" Joe demanded. "You ain't insulting our sister, are you?"

"No!" Richard said quickly. "I mean, she's lovely. Really nice. Nephew. Yes. Um. I just, um, the pancakes I had for breakfast… aren't…" He grabbed his stomach. "Where's a bathroom?"

"Behind that bush should work," Frank said, pointing.

"Oh, god," Richard said again, his voice growing faint.

"But," Joe added firmly, "don't try nothing like running away. We're gonna stick _real_ close to you to make sure you're ready tonight."

_"Tonight!"_

"Well, yeah, since you and Billy was so eager last night, we got all the plans made. She's gonna wear Mama's wedding dress and the priest is writing a nice speech and we're gonna have it in the town hall at seven o'clock sharp."

"Oh. Excuse me."

Richard didn't make it behind the bush before he doubled over and retched.

"Guess he's a little nervous," Bob mumbled.

"Guess so."

* * *

Nick staggered down the hill. Downhill was about the only thing he could manage, at this point; he knew he'd gone up a hill, and then another hill, and then maybe a couple more; he figured that if he kept going _down_hill, he might get back to town. If one wanted to call that stupid place a town.

Except that sometimes to go downhill, he'd have to climb up a hill first.

Nick groaned, tired. He had been all through the woods, searching for the stupid squirrel and his cell phone, but had no luck. Now he just wanted to get back to the bus, or the town, and prayed Alejandro had found a way out.

But, as the sun began to set, he had no idea where town was.

"I'm going to die!" he yelled up into the trees. "You stupid squirrel, I hope you're happy! I'm going to die alone in the woods and it's all your fault!"

Nothing answered him, but he felt like he was being laughed at anyway.

"No good stupid lousy squirrel," he ranted, stomping through what looked almost like a path, not paying much attention to where he was going. "Stealing my stupid cell phone when I finally was about to talk to Ryan and not that stupid moose. I hate you!"

"Well, I hate you too," someone answered.

"Augh!"

Nick jumped a little, and then stared.

CJ was staring back at him.

"CJ!" Nick yelled, running to him and crushing him in a hug. "Oh my god, CJ! I have never been so glad to see you in my entire life, I love you!"

CJ looked, understandably, startled. "Where have you been?" he finally asked.

"Have you been worried? Were people looking for me?"

"Well… um…" He coughed. "Well, I've been busy, but I bet Alejandro has," he said.

Nick nodded. "Right. Oh, man, I'm staving and I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep and I want Ryan and… how did you get out here?"

"I'm looking for kindling. See?" He held up a handful of dry twigs and sticks. "For the bonfire at the barn raising."

"The what at the what?"

"Yeah! They invited me to help out at the barn raising, but I don't know anything about building or anything, so I'm kind of in charge of keeping the kids out of trouble, so we were going to have a bonfire."

"They've made you their king, haven't they?"

"Nick, are you feeling all right?"

"No! I ate berries, and then kissed a moose, and a squirrel stole my phone."

CJ blinked. "Okay, well, that didn't make any sense. Let's go get you some food and, um, a doctor. Have you been lost in the woods this whole time?"

_"Yes,"_ Nick snapped.

"Oh, wow, come on." He wrapped an arm around Nick and started back towards the barn raising. "Tom, Luke, come on. This is my friend and I think he's drunk or something."

"Cool!" one of the kids yelled, running up to them.

"It wasn't alcohol, it was berries, unless they were fermented, in which case it was both. Oh god, am I dead? Did I die in the woods and is this hell? And are you Satan? I always thought you might be."

"Nick, you realize you're just rambling and not making a lot of sense, right?"

"My stomach hurts…"

"Oookay, definitely time to see a doctor," CJ decided, and led Nick back to the main barn raising group. "Hey, does anyone know where there's a doctor? I think my friend ate some bad berries. He thinks a squirrel beat him up or something."

"It didn't beat me up, it tricked me! And I didn't hallucinate that part, I'm pretty sure!"

"Yeah, he needs a doctor. Maybe a hospital and a stomach pump," CJ said. "I'm going to call nine-one-one, Nick, where's your phone?"

"You _are_ Satan!" Nick yelled. "I hate you! You and the squirrel are in league!"

"Hey!" someone else yelled, running up into the group. "Hey, guess what! There's a wedding down at town hall!"

"What?" someone else asked. "Who's getting hitched?"

"Billy and one of them city boys!"

CJ considered. "Well, that's pretty progressive for such a small town," he said.

"Billy's a girl," Luke said.

"That makes more sense." He considered. "What, who's getting married to who! Oh, this can't be good." He looked at Nick and sighed. "We'll go see what this wedding thing is and _then_ get you to the hospital, okay?"

"Okay…" Nick said weakly. "Is Ryan there?"

"I'll call him."

"Not the moose?"

"Not the moose," CJ promised.

* * *

"You know, I wish I had a harmonica," Alejandro said to Annie. "I don't know how to play a harmonica, but since I've been in her for over twenty-four hours and you _still_ won't find me a judge, I bet I'd have time to learn. _Swing low, sweet chaaaariot…"_

"Alejandro, don't take this the wrong way, you got a great voice and all, but shut up," Annie said.

"Get me a judge! You can't just detain me here! I have my rights, and, and, this can't be legal!" He groaned. "And where's Chris? Did they kill him? Have there been any accidental deaths of pop stars reported on your scanner?"

"No, honey, but it's sweet that you're so concerned for him," Annie said.

"Yeah, 'cause I'm never going to see him again, because I'm going to _die_ in _jail."_

"Now that's exaggerating, the food wasn't so bad."

Alejandro glared at her.

"Hello?" someone called from the front. "I was told there was an emergency, hello?"

"Annie! Alejandro!" added a voice which was very definitely Chris's.

"That sounds like your friend now," Annie said. "And the judge."

"That was the judge!" Alejandro asked, leaping to his feet. "Go! Get him! Shoo! Scat!"

She glared. "Now, that's just derogatory, I'm not a _kitten."_

"Go get the judge to set my bail so I can pay you way more than you actually deserve and get the hell out of here before I actually get so mad I manage to rip the bars out and hit you with them!"

"Well, fine, you don't have to get angry," Annie said, and walked out. She returned quickly, followed by Chris and a tall man with a potbelly, who Alejandro desperately hoped was the judge.

"So what are you in for, son?" the judge asked.

Ignoring being called son by yet another strange man, Alejandro said, as politely as he could manage, "Apparently, jay walking."

"Jay walking? We don't usually arrest people for that, do we, Annie?"

"No, sir," she said. "I think this was just a big mix up."

Alejandro clenched a fist and ground his teeth, but didn't begin yelling. It took most of his willpower.

"You see, Sheriff Rawlings thought he might have been doing drugs, which of course he wasn't, but he took the boy in just to make sure. Of course, then we needed you for the bail hearing, so he's been waiting _so _patiently since then."

"Yes," Alejandro said. "And since it was a big mix up, I'd really like to go, if that's possible."

The judge shrugged. "How much was the jay walking fine?"

"Twenty bucks," Annie said.

_"YOU KEPT ME IN JAIL FOR OVER TWENTY-FOUR HOURS FOR—"_

Chris interrupted quickly, "I'm happy to pay that for him, why don't you unlock the cell, we can get that taken care of, and be on our way? He's a little, um, out of sorts. He's not used to being, um, in jail."

The judge nodded. "He's not going to attack us or anything, is he? He looks kind of unstable."

Alejandro ground his teeth some more, and Chris said, "No, sir, he's very well behaved. Good puppy."

"Chris, I am going to strangle you the minute I get out of here."

"Then I won't pay your jay walking fine, criminal." Chris stuck out his tongue.

Alejandro groaned. "Do I need to pay bail now? Or can I just go pay my ticket and leave?"

"Might as well let him go," Annie said. "I mean, he didn't really do anything wrong."

"No," Alejandro said through clenched teeth. "I didn't."

"Sure, let him on out. Sorry for the trouble, son," the judge said, as Annie unlocked the cell.

Alejandro glared at Chris as he finally stepped out. "I think I blame you for this."

"What! What did I do? You're the one who got arrested!"

"Definitely your fault. I will find a way to make this your fault."

"Hello? I just got the judge to let you out!"

"Ahem," Annie said. "You boys should head on over to Town Hall to pay. Oh, and it'll be good timing, I'll bet the wedding is just starting!"

"The wedding?" Alejandro asked.

"Yeah, your friend with the curly hair and glasses," she said, leading the way.

"Is getting married?" Chris asked.

"Uh huh, to one of our local gals."

"Um… I don't mean to be rude," Alejandro said, his mood improving now that he was outside and free, "but why?"

"Maybe they fell in love," Annie said.

Chris and Alejandro exchanged glances. "Is there another possibility?" Chris asked.

"Maybe it's because her older brothers threatened to kill him." She shrugged. "I don't know, I didn't actually see. I just kind of got the feeling."

"What feeling?"

"Alejandro, does the phrase shotgun wedding mean anything to you?"

Alejandro sighed. "I'll kill him," he said. "Right. I'll kill Richard, then I'll find CJ and Nick, call Denton, and get us and Richard's corpse _out_ of this godforsaken town."

"You might like it if you'd seen something other than the inside of jail," Annie said.

"I really, sincerely doubt that."

"Well." She pointed over at the Town Hall. "You'd best hurry," she said. "It looks like they're getting started."

* * *

Rich was also familiar with the phrase shotgun wedding, and was becoming more so every moment. He had never thought that there would be actual shotguns involved, but then again, he'd also never thought a town like Freshmeadow existed outside of fiction. And yet there he was, in the Freshmeadow town hall, waiting to walk up the aisle, while Bob looked on, shotgun in hand.

"Um, I really am starting to have second thoughts about this," he said. "Not that I'm a canoodler. I'd never canoodle. Certainly not with your sister. I just, um, I'm too young. And so's she! Wait, she is, isn't she? Under eighteen?"

"We got our dad's permission," Bob said.

"Oh. Um. You know, I could just… I didn't really _do_ anything," he said. "But I'd be happy to pay for all the trouble that this ceremony must have cost, renting the Town Hall and all…"

"Didn't have to rent it, Annie let us use it," he said.

"Oh, well, still. I mean, I could just… write a nice, big check and, um, catch the next bus out of town."

"Now, Richard," Bob said sternly, "I know you ain't trying to run away. But it sure sounds like you're trying. So I'd like to remind you which one of us has the shotgun."

"Yes, sir," Richard mumbled.

"Oh, look, that's the music now," he said. "So you should start marching. Don't forget, I'm walking with you. With my gun."

"Got it," he said.

"And when they start asking questions about will you or won't you, you know the answer is you will."

"Yeah."

"Good!" Bob slapped his shoulder. "Then get marching."

"Yes, sir."

Sure enough, the wedding march was being played, and Richard was thrust against his will out into the aisle. Where, not having any choice, he unhappily walked to the end. He was followed by Billy in her wedding dress, and they stood in front of the priest together.

"So…" Richard mumbled to her. "This was your idea?"

"Sure was!" she chirped. "I only ever dreamed of meeting you, let alone getting married, but now we can! We're gonna be so happy, Rich."

He started to say something, but Bob prodded him with the gun. "You got one line," Bob reminded him. "Hush until then."

Richard groaned.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…" began the priest.

Richard looked around the room desperately. He'd been so caught up in being beaten up and then, basically, kidnapped by the brothers that he hadn't had time to wonder where the hell everyone else was… and none of them were there. Which meant there was no one to get him out of this.

Which meant he was going to have to marry an over-enthusiastic hick and stay there. But they couldn't do that, right? Kidnap him and hold him at gunpoint? He was fairly certain that was illegal, which meant, he prayed, he could have the wedding annulled, and get the hell out of Freshmeadow. Just as soon as he figured out how to get away from his bride and her brothers, in order to alert some authorities, but not the local ones. The local ones were all already present.

"…And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be—"

"I do!" someone yelled angrily from the doorway. The whole crowd swiveled to see Alejandro and Chris standing there, Chris looking as though he'd been mauled at some point, and Alejandro looking royally pissed off. "These two can't be wed because this is _stupid._ He has to be at a show in Toronto tomorrow night, we've already wasted more than half of our time off, I'm in a bad mood, I just got out of jail and so help me _god_ if you shoot that gun at me you had better hope I die because I will claw your eyes out."

Richard stared at Chris, who shrugged.

"But Richard…" Billy said.

He hesitated. "Look," he said. "You're a really sweet girl. But we're from two different places. It's a lot like Romeo and Juliet. But look what happened to them. And I'd rather neither of us died, especially me, so I think I'd better go. I'm sorry, Billy." He shrugged, then retreated quickly. Bob leveled the gun at him.

"Oh, Bob, stop that," Annie snapped. "It was sweet of you to try and snag a pop star for your sister, but I can't let you shoot the boy. And Alejandro can tell you what jail does to a guy; he used to be so _nice."_

Bob looked sulky and lowered the gun. Billy started to cry, then thought better of it when Annie glared at her. Richard ran back up the aisle, to the relative safety of where Alejandro and Chris were standing.

CJ and Nick came running up behind Alejandro and Chris. Nick also looked like he'd been through hell and back, but CJ was, oddly, wearing a pair of overalls and looking quite chipper.

"Where have you guys been?" Alejandro demanded of them, marching them away from town hall and towards the hotel. "Richard, you first. Did someone beat you up?"

"Yes," he said. "My ex-fiance's brothers."

"Did you deserve it? No, of course you did. Chris, you were with me, until you got mauled by the fangirls. CJ?"

"I've just been around town," CJ said. "I learned to square dance and built a fort, and went fishing, but we didn't catch anything. Of course, there was nothing to catch, but—"

"Shut up," Alejandro snapped. "Nick?"

"I kissed a moose," he said.

Alejandro blinked. "You what?"

"I thought it was Ryan."

"He ate some berries out in the woods," CJ said. "He keeps talking about moose and squirrel and how they're evil. I'm about ready to call the Russian embassy and see if he was recruited."

"They are evil!" Nick objected. "They stole my cell phone!"

"I thought that was just the squirrel?"

"And the moose pretended to be Ryan."

"I think he needs a hospital," CJ said.

"Yeah," Alejandro agreed. "Well, I've got to go call Denton."

"You _never called Denton!"_ Richard yelled.

"I was in jail!"

"You were _what!"_

"Oh, god." Alejandro groaned. "I hate this town. Hate it."

"Yeah," Chris said.

"Ditto," Richard agreed.

"I mostly hate the hills and forests," Nick mused. "But the town, too."

"Are you guys kidding! This place is great! I got to pet a cow, and help build a barn, and—"

"CJ. Shut. Up."

"Hey!" Chris yelled, pointing upwards. "Hey, look! A helicopter!"

"You don't think…" Alejandro said.

"How could it be?" Richard asked.

"I knew Ryan would come save me!" Nick yelled, and began waving his arms wildly.

"Ryan has no idea where you are," CJ said. "Unless the moose told him?"

"Don't be stupid, moose can't talk."

"But they can masquerade as your boyfriend?"

"It's landing over in that field," Alejandro said. "Maybe it _is_ some kind of rescue mission."

"Or maybe this town is so weird they're sending in the CIA to erase everyone's memories and set the townsfolk loose, I don't know, in Area 51 or something."

"CJ, that's stupid, even for you."

"I thought we agreed that Chris was the stupid one," CJ said.

"Hey, I got Alejandro out of jail!" Chris objected, as they walked towards where the helicopter was landing, destroying someone's cornfield.

"Moo," said a nearby cow.

"Shut up," Nick said to it.

"Nick, did the cow pretend to be Ryan?" Richard asked.

"Be nice to her, she's old," CJ snapped.

Denton stepped out of the helicopter, looking a little frazzled, and Ryan followed him.

"Ryan!" Nick yelled, and ran towards him, then stopped. "That is Ryan and Denton, and not the moose and squirrel, right?"

"_Yes,"_ Alejandro snapped.

"Good," Nick said, and finished running towards Ryan and threw himself into his arms. "Babe, I've been so scared and lonely and I accidentally ate these hallucinogenic berries…"

"Why didn't you call me?" Ryan asked. "I was so worried! I thought you were dead, or kidnapped, or something!"

"I tried, that's how the moose…" Nick groaned. "And then the squirrel stole my phone anyway."

"Oh, is that what that was?" Ryan asked. "I finally got a call from you an hour ago, but it was just this weird chittering noise."

"Bastard squirrel!" Nick screamed. "Oh, that lousy little… I'm going to learn to hunt," he declared. "I'm going to come back here, I'm going to go hunting, and I'm going to find that squirrel and then kill it. Then I'm going to skin it and make a squirrel skin cap, and then I'm going to wear that cap and tell everyone who sees it that I made it out of the bastard squirrel that stole my cell phone!"

"I thought that part was the hallucination?" CJ mumbled.

"Ahem," Denton said, glaring. "I am very disappointed in all of you boys. Except CJ."

"But—" Richard started.

"No buts. Don't want to hear it. You disappear off the face of the world completely, you don't call to let anyone know what's happened or where you are, how can I help you if I don't know you're missing? We were very worried, and frankly, Alejandro, I expected you, at least, to be responsible enough to—"

"I tried!" Alejandro said. "I was going to call you first thing, I'd gotten us hotel rooms and was trying to get a mechanic to look at the bus and _everything, _and if I hadn't been arrested you'd have been told immediately!"

Denton blinked. "You were arrested?"

"Yes, for jay walking. It's a very long, very stupid story, and I would really like to get the hell _out_ of here."

_"You_ were arrested?" Denton said again. "I mean, CJ I would believe, or Richard. I could even see Chris doing something stupid—"

"Hey!"

"—but Alejandro, I just don't know what to think. Get in the helicopter, please."

"I jay walked! All I did was cross the damn road!"

"Anyway," Denton said, "frankly, if CJ hadn't had the presence of mind to call Alison and tell her where you boys were, we'd never have found you. Do you have any idea how tiny and isolated this town is?"

The row of glares he got back implied that yes, they had all figured it out.

The entire town seemed to have walked over to the field and was staring at them apprehensively.

"Bye, Alejandro," Annie called. "Write me some time, sugar!"

"No!" he yelled back, and stomped into the helicopter.

The battalion of screaming girls was there, and Chris waved goodbye to them. "Come see us in concert! We'll be nearby… uh… never," he mumbled and hurried into the helicopter.

Nick cleared his throat. "If anyone finds my cellphone, shoot the squirrel who has it. I'll pay for the pelt!"

"Baby, let's get you back to the city in a hurry," Ryan said. "We've still got some of the weekend left, and you need a hospital."

"Why do people keep saying that? I don't need a hospital, I need a gun. To kill the squirrel. Ooooh, I hate the bastard squirrel."

"Okay, Elmer Fudd, into the helicopter," Ryan said, and helped Nick climb in.

"Richard, darling!" Billy yelled from the crowd. "I love you! I'll wait for you!"

"Don't!" he yelled back.

"That was mean," CJ said.

"Then _you_ marry her."

"Already married." He shrugged.

Richard climbed into the helicopter.

"CJ! CJ!" a couple of young voices called.

"Luke! Tom!" he yelled back, starting towards them. "I'll come back and visit all the time!"

"You'd better!" Tom yelled. "You didn't get to play in the fort at all!"

"And Tess wants you to call the next square dance!"

"Bring your wife, she can sleep in the barn!"

"Aww, guys," CJ said. "I'm gonna miss you two." A nearby cow mooed, and sauntered over. CJ scratched the back of her neck. "And you, Bessie. But I'll come visit real soon, I promise. Real soon!"

"You'd better!"

"Sure better!"

"I will! I—"

"CJ, get your _ass_ in the _helicopter!"_

"I gotta go," he said quickly. "Bye!"

He ran into the helicopter, and Denton climbed in afterwards. "So that must have been an eventful weekend," he said.

"Hey, here's a question," CJ said. "If I'm the smart one now, and being arrested makes Alejandro the bad boy—"

"I was arrested for jay walking!"

"—then what are the rest of you? I think Chris is still the dumb one—"

"Hey!"

"I mean, heartthrob," he amended quickly. "But Richard has to be the wacky one if I'm not, because Nick is still Nick."

"No," Ryan said. "I think Nick is the wacky one, what with the berries and all."

"You were a _moose,"_ Nick groaned, and cuddled closer to Ryan. Ryan looked a little pained.

"Here's another question," Denton said. "Whatever happened to the bus _driver?"_

_fin_

* * *

B: For the record, this isn't just us taking random potshots at small towns. Freshmeadow is a not very clever, thinly veiled parody of my own home town. Leah: Nick/Moose OTP! 


End file.
